Night after night I awoke any time between 2 and 4am with words tumbling through my head. I would become consciously aware of the words in the middle of a sentence and would follow them intently, attempting to figure out what the heck was going on. After a few nights it became apparent that either my sub-conscious or higher self was writing my life story.
Okay…. I had been told numerous times by clients and friends that I needed to write my life story, but like most people didn’t believe that anyone would be interested. I certainly wasn’t interested, why would anyone else be? From my perspective it was history and a somewhat painful history so there really wouldn’t be any point in doing a re-hash of the old memories.
Regardless of my conscious perceptions the mental writing continued, night after night and it was relentless. As with all things there comes a point when it’s time to surrender and accept the inevitable. At that point in time I was living on the land, living very simply, doing lots of physical work and in conditions that were somewhat primitive with no internet and erratic phone connection.
After a few weeks of this mental writing I knew there was no option. It was time to find a small place, with telecommunications access and to set myself up to write – which is exactly what happened. The book basically wrote itself. The words poured out as if of their own volition. The clarity and lucidity of the memory recall astounded me because consciously I would have been challenged to remember everything…..yet as the words formed on the computer screen I found the details of my recall quite astounding, as if I was back there, in that space, that place and time.
Having spent so many years purging old, painful emotions and memories I didn’t expect my body to respond to the writing, but it did and in a big way. At times I found myself crying and hurting so badly over events and situations that I’d thought had been healed. My stomach hurt with tension, it was even difficult to continue writing at times. But somehow that inner drive kept me at it. Overall, it didn’t take very long to write and I felt purged, cleansed and definitely much lighter once it was completed.
Was it my intention to get the book published? It actually wasn’t as going through the process healed whatever still needed to be healed. Yet, at the same time not publishing the book would have meant that the whole process wasn’t complete. And, somehow the whole process has flowed effortlessly and seamlessly – an indication that all is as it’s meant to be.
However, if there’s one thing I can highly, highly recommend it’s that writing one’s life story is extremely cathartic and healing. It’s liberating and while it involves the resurfacing of stored pain it ultimately allows the deep seated wounds an opportunity for expression and release, resulting in new-found feelings of release and freedom. Not all life stories ever get into print but ultimately it’s the resultant release of old, painful memories that is the reward. By the way, I’ve used journaling as a means of releasing stored pain and that also is a letting go and healing process.
A Square Peg: Conformity Isn’t An Option has many levels to it. When I commenced writing there were no preconceived ideas about what should or should not be written. As I said, the book wrote itself. It’s basically about the importance of honoring the self, of breaking free from the bonds of conformity (which is often much harder than imagined), and about following the heart’s desire – even when society and people close to you don’t understand or accept what is happening. Ultimately I hope, and trust, that my story is an inspiration to those brave souls who also resist conforming to the ‘norm’ and who also have to come to terms with their oddities, quirkiness, weirdness etc!